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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29059038">gold rush</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxicecreamty/pseuds/cascreamtiel'>cascreamtiel (anxicecreamty)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anna is Cas’s sister because!! I got major sibling vibes from them, I have a thing for (supposedly) unrequited crushes and misunderstandings this is a forewarning, I haven’t thought that far ahead so i’m not sure how this is gonna end, I’ll add tags as I go, M/M, and cas has a huge crush on dean but he’s in mild denial about the huge part, but probably a happy ending bc I'm a sucker for happy endings, probably mild angst (depending on your personal definition) with a happy ending, slow updates because i'm the worst :))), so this is based of off gold rush by taylor swift, strangers to friends to (maybe) lovers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:54:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,044</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29059038</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxicecreamty/pseuds/cascreamtiel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel knows that he shouldn’t like Dean Winchester. He knows, and he has a list of reasons why. But there’s nothing he can do to stop it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>gold rush</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay so, I’ve re-written/re-published this an unnecessary number of times. Hopefully, this time it sticks!! </p>
<p>Anyway! Here it is.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>~</p><p>
  <em>gleaming, twinkling, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>eyes like sinking ships on waters so inviting, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I almost jump in</em>
</p><p>
  <em>~</em>
</p><p>Castiel knows that he shouldn’t like Dean Winchester. He knows, and he has a list of reasons why.</p><p>The first reason, one that he put down more as an explanation than as a reason, is that Dean doesn’t know who he is. They go to a large school, they have only ever had one class together, and beyond that class, they hardly ever cross paths.</p><p>The second reason, though even this is hardly a reason, is that Dean is incredibly well liked. People surround him, talk to him, laugh at his jokes. Everyone knows his name. The last thing Castiel wants is to be just another person to Dean. A friend of a friend or someone he thinks he remembers from a class last year. Selfishly, stupidly, Castiel wants to be more than that. Not that he knows what. Not that he knows how.</p><p>The third reason, one that Castiel thinks about to the point of obsession, is that they have vastly different personalities and interests. He firmly believes that a conversation between them would end well before it began. Whatever Castiel has to say to Dean, he might not be able to understand it, or it might come across on the wrong frequency. And whatever Dean might say back would probably be to the same effect. Because the things Castiel <em>has</em> heard from him (he <em>does not</em> eavesdrop; Dean just has a sort of carrying voice) has been mostly sports or cars or pop culture references that Castiel doesn’t really get. And, even if he does understand the reference, there have been many times he has not understood the relevance.</p><p>The fourth reason, one that Balthazar has teased him about to no end, is that Dean is <em>beautiful</em>. Castiel isn’t superficial, but he’s also not blind. In truth, Castiel has used many words to describe Dean in his head – hot, handsome, pretty, gorgeous, the works – but none have ever been so continuously true as the word beautiful. Not just because of the way he moves, smooth and confident; or the way his mouth looks when he talks or when he smiles; or the bright green of his eyes, full of life and laughter; or the bones of his face, smooth and delicate. But because if Castiel could see his soul, he knows that too would be so, <em>so beautiful</em>.</p><p>Which leads into the fifth reason. Dean Winchester is Good. Capital G, <em>Good</em>. He’s kind, and righteous, and brave. He’s the most selfless, loving person Castiel has ever known. This wasn’t something he knew right from the start; it was something he learned as time went on. Dean is the kind of person to run into a fire, or a tornado, or any kind of danger instead of away from it, just in case someone might need help. Dean is the kind of person who will do all that he can to make others feel safe and happy. Even on a bad day, a day when he’s tired and beaten and defeated. When someone screams or cries or asks for help, he’s there – whether he knows them or not and whether it messes up his own plans or not. Castiel doesn’t think of himself as <em>not</em> good; he doesn’t think he’s a bad person. But he also thinks that his capacity for love is nowhere near as big as Dean’s.</p><p>The sixth reason – and this is something he has never admitted to anyone else, including Balthazar, because he knows exactly the kind of reaction he’d get, something worried and pitying – is that it’s starting to feel like love. Or at least what he imagines love to feel like. He’s not sure how it got to this point, but no matter what the day handed him, this lasted. This crush, this fascination, this affection. At the end of every day as he closed his eyes, it was still there, strong as ever, if not stronger. Dean’s eyes glowing green, his smile wide, his heart full and true.</p><p>Castiel hates it. He tries hard not to let himself think of Dean in a way that could be conceived as, well, anything <em>but</em> a crush – though it is often exceedingly difficult, with a very low success rate. He can't allow himself to ponder too long or it might dig deeper; deeper than it already has. He can't let himself make it anything more than a surface interest, anything more than <em>pure</em>. The last thing he needs is to be in love. The last thing he needs is to <em>want. </em>And that line – the line from interest to <em>want</em>, the kind that makes him feel shame and guilt at all times of the night – is one he absolutely <em>can't</em> let himself cross.</p><p>Castiel knows exactly when this whole thing started, this crush that he shouldn’t have. A year and a half ago, midway through their first semester, third period, English. It was a Thursday, and there was a pop quiz. The teacher had put the test papers at the front of each row, and after Castiel got his, he'd turned back to Dean. When he locked eyes with him, he felt both holy and unworthy at the same time. It got worse when Dean reached out and took the tests from his hand, because for split second their fingers brushed – and Castiel swears he saw the creation of the universe behind his eyes. Castiel had turned around slow, breath gone and not soon returning.</p><p>He didn’t do very well on that pop quiz. He read all the answers wrong and didn’t add any reasoning. If his memory serves, he answered '1967' to the question 'what was this character trying to convey?'. The teacher had pulled him aside after their next class and asked if he was okay. He almost laughed. How do you explain something like that? <em>Oh, sorry, I failed the quiz because I briefly touched hands with some guy for the first time and couldn’t think of anything else for days. I felt lost in a classroom I’ve been in a thousand times because a boy with pretty eyes looked at me.</em> He just told them he was fine, that it was a one-time thing. And it was. On the quiz front anyway. But that feeling he had whenever he saw Dean – like he had fallen from grace and gained it, like he was at once all powerful and so, <em>so</em> weak – that was not a one-time thing. It was an every-time thing.</p><p>For a while, Castiel didn’t understand it. Each time he looked at Dean, and that feeling arose, so too came confusion. It wasn’t until Baltazar made a passing comment that it clicked. It was said as a joke, incredibly sarcastic, something along the lines of, ‘why do you look at that Winchester guy so much, you like him or something?’ When Castiel looked at him with a metaphorical lightbulb over his head and horror in his eyes, Balthazar had chocked. Then, in true best friend fashion, he’d laughed for at least five minutes, and never let him live it down.</p><p>Even now as Castiel sits watching Dean on the other side of the cafeteria, he’s struck by it. The feeling of finding faith and losing it; or the feeling of finding faith, but not in God or religion, <em>in a person</em>. Castiel cuts his eyes away to look at his hands, effectively stopping that thought.</p><p>“Castiel, <em>again</em>?”</p><p>He looks up from his hands, from his fingers clenching at his lunch tray, food half eaten. He remembers then that Balt (he doesn’t like to be called Balthazar these days) had been ranting to him about something or other. “Sorry, what were you saying?”</p><p>Balt sighs. “I was telling you about how much better the world would be if the titanic never sank, but I can see the complexities of that are lost on you.”</p><p>Castiel smiles, something small and quick. He’s grateful that, this time, Balt decided that this discussion – one they’ve had many times before – was more important than teasing him about his crush. He tries not to stare as much to avoid being teased, but he knows he isn't the most subtle being. His eyes and the things they pay attention to have always given him away.</p><p>“I thought you let that go. If you don’t want to listen to Celine Dion, just don’t.”</p><p>Balt scoffs, then says, “how can I, Castiel? She’s <em>everywhere</em>!”</p><p>Castiel shrinks a little at Balt’s tone. With his voice significantly lower, he replies, “she is <em>not</em> <em>everywhere</em>.”</p><p>“Maybe not for you!” Castiel moves a hand in a ‘<em>lower your volume</em>’ sort of way, but Balt knocks it away. Even so, his next words are much softer, said almost in conspiracy, “if my treasonous mother puts that damned CD on while I’m in her car again, I will lose it.” He knows that Balt’s mother listens to Celine Dion almost daily, and that Balt has a significantly low level of patience, so this is probably not an exaggeration.</p><p>At Castiel’s raised eyebrows, the question ‘<em>what will you do that won’t get you grounded?</em>’ sitting there somewhere, Balt crosses his arms.</p><p>“Maybe I can break it into little pieces and throw it into a river when she isn’t looking. Or, I could stage a break-in and say that it looks like they only wanted her Dion CD’s. I think she’d believe that.”</p><p>“She’d believe that someone broke into her car and, instead of stealing something valuable, like, say <em>the car</em>, they only stole her Celine Dion CD’s?”</p><p>“Without a doubt.”</p><p>Castiel squints at him.</p><p>“I swear to god, Cassie, those CD’s are her prised possessions. I think she may even love them more than <em>me</em>.”</p><p>Castiel doesn’t say anything at this, but the look on his face – something like a snide comment in his eyes and the line of his mouth – is enough.</p><p>“You know what-“ Balt says, moving hastily to kick at Castiel under the table.</p><p>Having expected as such, Castiel brings his feet up to his chair. Which, of course, makes Balt even more determined to land at least one kick. This continues until he almost falls off his chair, causing Castiel to laugh, and loudly. Finally, Balt lands a kick on Castiel’s thigh and settles back into his chair with a satisfied smile on his face.</p><p>Almost on instinct, when Castiel’s laughs finally calm, he looks back to where he last saw Dean. He sits there still, surrounded by all his friends and lost in what looks to be a very passionate conversation.</p><p>He dimly hears Balt sigh across from him.</p><p>For the second time in ten minutes, he turns away from Dean to look at his hands, his fingers clenching at his lunch tray, food still half eaten.</p><p>Castiel knows that he shouldn’t like Dean Winchester; that his crush is stupid, and unrequited and <em>foolish</em>. He knows, to the point of obsession, <em>he knows</em>. But there’s nothing he can do to stop it.</p><p>A small part of him tells him that even if he could, even if he could turn it off and forget Dean and love someone he <em>can actually have</em>, he wouldn’t want to. <em>What good is loving if it’s not Dean? What good is love if it’s not for the person who does it best?</em></p><p>Castiel closes his eyes and breathes. <em>Not love, not love, not love, </em>a cruel and heartbreaking mantra, but one he must tell himself.</p><p>It’s then that Castiel thinks of the seventh reason he shouldn’t like Dean Winchester: he doesn’t <em>really</em> <em>know</em> him. He doesn’t know what he looks like when he wakes up, he doesn’t know his middle name or his birthday. He doesn’t know who his parents are or if he has siblings. Beyond a few surface details, or things he heard in passing, Castiel doesn’t know Dean. But he wants to, <em>god</em>, he <em>wants</em> to. This reason, he thinks, hurts the most.</p><p>And that night when he tries to sleep, this is the reason that makes him blink away tears, mourning the loss of arms around him, or a body held to his chest, though he has never once felt it.</p>
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